What do you want to be when you grow up?
Within the first week I wanted to drop out of college.
It was the Fall of 2006, and I was sitting in my Foundation I - Basic Design Theory class at FIT (Fashion Institute of Tech, NY), completely clueless. I had never taken a Graphic Design course (as a Millennial, do the business cards I made in computer lab class in 7th grade count?!). To add, I sat there with a PC while everyone had a MAC (I had to call my poor dad after class and tell him I can’t use this brand new laptop). I don’t even want to talk about the design programs I had never laid eyes on until then. Illustrator gave me heartburn and I ended up taking that class over, like two or three times. That professor was f-r-u-s-t-r-a-t-e-d. BUT I was crafty and used Microsoft Word to submit my first few assignments, and I am proud to say, people were impressed.
I never quite made it in the fashion magazine world because life led me elsewhere although I did find a favorite class at FIT: InDesign and learning magazine layouts which then led me to some cool internships and freelancing at The Daily Front Row and Harper’s BAZAAR.
Why am I telling you this?
Well, because I wish I had my astrology chart in high school. That would’ve saved me A LOT of time instead of going through the generic Counselor list of careers. Did I want to do nutrition? Law? Art? I am a Libra Rising and Sun so naturally, I gravitated towards beauty, fashion and justice. So, after some thought and wonderful art lessons from my high school art teacher, I built a portfolio and ended up on 7th Avenue with a dream to work in fashion magazines. That whole journey was a mess in itself. Working in retail to pay bills, and very briefly at a modeling agency I left two weeks in to never return. Fashion was not so pretty. It was competitive and as I saw it, not that serious. The Devil Wears Prada and “If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You” by Kelly Cutrone was the expectation of young girls in the industry and it wasn’t my vibe.
After New York, I was all over the place, couldn’t find work. Not to mention it was one of the worst times for the economy. I was living in Connecticut and design jobs were not plenty. Portfolio websites were also not quite a thing. I didn’t have money for a car either so I relied on my parents to drop me off and pick me up from the coffee barista job I picked up just to work.
Years passed, I got married, had my daughter and then lost my identity. I had been doing some freelance design work along with working at a screen printing and embroidery shop, but I was miserable with all of these people facing jobs. I wanted to be hidden. I enjoyed doing private work, but design wasn’t really IT. Something was missing and I was always looking for it. Maybe it was imposter syndrome. But somewhere in that identity crisis I decided to pursue Librarianship. I love books and researching. The shelves filled with knowledge and libraries with curious minds. Little did I know that I was tapping into my Virgo 12th House (which contains my South Node, Lilith, Venus and Moon).
I signed up for a Masters in Library & Info Sciences at Rutgers University and was able to complete the program from home. I even fulfilled a dream to study abroad in the UK for 9 days while my mom helped out with my daughter. Visiting the Bodleian Libraries in Oxford, Stratford-upon-Avon, The National Archives and Bletchley Park quenched my thirst for knowledge. I felt right at home.
Living at a literal Hogwarts during my study abroad progra.
Librarianship felt good and I set out to pursue work at Yale while I worked at public libraries. It was the ultimate dream. But life again interfered and we had to move away from Connecticut. I was crushed. And lost again. What was I doing wrong? It feels like everything I pursued said - Nope.
At this point, I can’t even count how many different jobs I had gone through. While all of this was unfolding I was watching astrology and tarot card videos on YouTube religiously. I consulted psychics and tarot card readers. “What is my purpose? What am I meant to do?” I’d ask. -- “You’re a healer.” And that was so confusing to me. What kind of healer? What does that mean? No one could give me concrete answers.
But then, after watching so many astrology videos, I learned how to pull my own astrology chart and little by little put the pieces together. I consulted a few astrologers to look at specific houses and planets for better understanding. But what really solidified my next steps was reading Chani Nicholas’s YOU WERE BORN FOR THIS which I picked up intuitively at Barnes & Noble. (Books speak to me! They literally make me pick them up. Do you do this too?) I practice this with Oracle and Tarot cards as well.
Chani explains that the three keys are your Sun, Moon and Ascendant (and its ruler). But most importantly, what this book taught me was to look at the House/Area you want to focus on, what sign it’s in, what planet is the ruler of that sign and where is that planet located in your chart?
I immediately looked at my MC/10th House. The MC - Medium Coeli, meaning "middle of the sky" - is at the top of a chart and represents reputation, career and role in society. And because I use the Placidus system, the 10th House (career) cusp (or beginning) is there also. It was in Cancer. Great. Cancer is nurturing, motherly, protective, home-y, creative. Careers would include wellness, caregiving, home design, education, hospitality and such. That was a start but the next thing really made my eyes widen. Cancer is ruled by the Moon. And where is my Moon? The 12th House Virgo.
O.M.G - this is what I was missing. This is why nothing ever made sense. Libra - beauty, fashion, design, equality. I was living my professional life based off of my SELF, my first house. I always just read the generic Sun Sign horoscopes growing up so I thought I was just “Libra”. Which isn’t wrong. It all ties together. BUT Virgo 12th House was where my Moon was. Meaning, my career path needed to fuse that 10th House/MC nurturing, private space Cancer with the unseen world of the 12th House. ASTROLOGY!
Virgo organizes, she analyzes, she’s a perfectionist. In the 12th House, she organizes that information from the unseen. Dreams. Astrology. Spirituality. Even work in prisons, unseen spaces and definitely libraries are part of this. I was never meant to work in loud, visible spaces. Open fashion office concept - the death of me. I wanted to shrivel up sitting in front of everyone. The privacy of my home - a sanctuary. Once this beautiful knowledge unfolded before me I had my new job title: a librarian in the ethereal realm. With the help of my Second House in Scorpio - I tuned into what area of astrology to focus on in my reports in order to make a living and earn an income. Helping women remember who they were before the world told them who to be. Exploring their depths, wounds and feminine power with focus on the Moon, Chiron, Black Moon Lilith, Venus, Pluto and North Node.
You see. It is all right in front of us. Some are lucky to know exactly what they want growing up. But others like me take a long windy road to get there. A hint here and there. A nudge from the universe. A design degree to help create my own website. A Library Science degree to help me research and write. Astrology articles in the newspaper at grandmas house in East Europe. And here I am, still a student at age 37, but a less confused one and so excited for the future!
Did you also put the puzzle pieces of your life together little by little or are you still finding your way?
